||[08 Oct 2011|11:07am]
i thought.. this was over.. i thought it wouldnt happen again.. i set myself up for failure, disappointment.. i feel like my world is turned upside down. . i knew it.. i just knew it.. i knew it would happen.. as much as i bury it.. it just resurfaces.. over and over and over.. i remind myself that its not me.. im not the one with the problem.. but im the one that gets hurt in the end.. im the one with the pain.. im the one that has to deal with it.. where did i go wrong in my life..did i make the right choices? how do i let myself get hurt this bad.. year after year.. when will it end.. should i have to take this to my grave.. i hope my grave is ready soon.. i dont know how much more i can take.. how can i move on pretending to be happy when im not.. how can i be strong for someone when im not strong for myself... how could i let someone take the best of me.. and take me down.. for all these years.. is it getting better? will it get any better? how many more years of this should i have to endure.. should i wait around to find out?... should i just let it pass me by.. and be miserable the rest of my life.. and hide and bury as much as i can.. i dont know what to do anymore... i dont
||[05 Feb 2011|09:50pm]
How do u spend the rest of your life with someone when they dont want to share any aspect of their life with you..
||[30 Aug 2010|09:39pm]
he said it...
i cant believe it..
i jinxed myself..
we were watching housewives of new jersey..
and he said the name..
i wanted to throw up..
i dont know if he noticed me pause..
when he said it..
||[30 Aug 2010|01:41am]
i need closure..
im still holding this grudge
i still blame him for a lot of things..
i cant let go for whatever reason..
its been.. what?.. 2 years now..
to find out what kind of man ive
been "dating" for the past 5 years now..
still hoping that hes not that kind
of a person anymore..
going good so far..
i feel like i have him on the tightest
leash possible.. im afraid to loosen it up..
we joke about how many people we've had
in different places..
my count isnt as high as he thinks it is..
well.. maybe it is...heh.. anyways..
it hurts to hear all those people and different places from him..
even though we joke about it.. it hurts..
everytime i hear that name.. anywhere..
my stomach hurts.. its hard not to hear..
when its a common name..
i never wanna hear him say that name..
i think ill die.. or shit my pants.. which ever comes first..
im still trying to find things..
trying to find.."people"
trying to find answers as to why he hurt me so bad..
i look at pictures of girls thinking..
"hed probably leave me for her"
who wouldnt wanna leave me.. im fucking crazy..
its driving me craaaaaaazy..
i find myself arguing with myself out loud..
in my head.. constantly..
like.. i have a baby to take care of..HIS baby..
i have to let it go... i HAVE to..
i just dont know how..
as much as we fight and bicker about dumb shit..
all i see in my future right now is..
him and my kid(s)... in a cute little house
with a fat bulldog and a huge backyard..fighting
about dumb shit..
i wanna get married.. someday..(ahem) now (ahem)
i dont think he wants to marry me..
i dont think he wants to be committed to me..
maybe hes not done messin around..
should i wait around to find out?
||[02 Aug 2010|10:10am]
i try to be affectionate towards you..
but youre just constantly mad..
always in a bad mood..
always have a short temper..
always telling me what to do..
how to do things..
i never know when theres a good time
to talk to you..
ill just be a fucking robot..
and take orders.. like a slave..
like what my mom does..
||[01 Aug 2010|06:08pm]
life is so different from the past 5 years..
i have a beautiful baby boy..
im so in love with him...
ive never loved anyone so much..
its a different love..
i was lookin at the past 6 years of posts..
ive changed so much..
i feel so old..
i look back at the party days..
and kinda feel ashamed of myself..
though i wish i stil had the body ..
now im livin on my own with the love of my life..
or should i say the 2 loves of my life..
goin through the daily struggles of finding sleep
whenever i can.. payin bills..
learning how to cook.. i need to feed my family some how..
i should buy a cook book..
some days arent as easy..
gettin thru days of a fussy baby
can get frustrating...
it really takes a toll on you..
im glad i have help and that im not
doing this alone..
i dont know how i would deal..
but too much help gets annoying..
though i miss those days of partying..
i miss going out on dates..
i miss that "in love" feeling..
my mind has been everywhere else but..
it hasnt had time to think about it..
im brain dead at the end of the day..
its getting there..
we need to rekindle that feeling..
maybe itll put everything at ease..
ive grown up..
||[13 Jul 2010|05:13pm]
i have never felt so disgusted with my body..
my self esteem has hit such a low..
i want to cry everyday looking at myself in the mirror..
i want to starve myself so bad.. but i know
i cant for my baby..
i just want to cry..
||[17 May 2010|01:54am]
I Have never felt so disrespected in my life.. in front of my mother especially.. i feel bad enough
That she cant help me when the baby comes..she tells u..u should take care of her..u dont even hesitate
To say..shes not my priority, the baby is... my mom gave me this look like..wtf..
Not only did u disrespect me but u disrespected her and thats wat hurt the most..after
U promised both my parents u would take care of not only the baby but me as well, right
After i got kicked out of my house..
Im not saying u dont take care of me..cus i know u do, the best way u know how... and im greatful that u do, but did u really have to say that to her in that manner..
now shes regretting ever kicking me out..
I never wanted her to feel that way
And now ill never hear the end of it
||[21 Apr 2010|08:37am]
I only signed up 4 1 child not 2.. ive had it with his fucking attitude problem..im nt here to fucking pick up after his pig sty ass then having him complain that i dont do shit..
||[17 Apr 2010|10:24pm]
i shook the magic 8 ball and asked if he was cheating on me..
and it said yes in 8 different ways..
must be true
||[03 Apr 2010|09:29am]
im feeling soo depressed..
i miss partying..
i miss six flags..
i miss jack and coke..
i miss my nice tight abs..
i miss feeling sexy..
i dont know where he is half the time..
or what hes doing..
i hate that..
maybe i do know.. but i rather believe something else..
maybe just to prepare myself for the worst..
he said hed be here at 9..
maybe i should just add an extra hour or 3
to watever he says.. its never accurate..
hes such a liar.. i hate it..
always texting me an hour later..
what if i went into labor..
thatll just be another "sorry"
added to the long list of his..
he'll be fucking sorry when i leave with my baby..
i just wanna cry all the damn time..
alls i know is that thers a box of fresh cookies in the kitchen
that i would like to devoure...
i wish i could take my baby and leave this world..
me n him will be best pals forever..
||[11 Mar 2010|01:49pm]
i feel stuck..
this wasnt supposed to happen..
i took a wrong turn in life somewhere
and theres no going back..
i shoulda known better..
why i would let myself get hurt..
everyone told me.. what i shoulda done..
of course i didnt listen..
now im suffering the consequences
of my own doing..
my mom warned me.. who knew she was always right..
i wish i never knew what i know now..
maybe things woulda been different..
but knowing hurts.. and it hurts even more now
that im stuck..
how naive of me to think that life would
be so easy.. and care free..
my parents made it out to be that way..
i always saw them as perfect together
no matter how much they argued about
little things.. they trusted eachother..
they shared everything together..
they never fought about money or who pays for what..
or if ones cheating on the other..
my parents always provided more than what was expected of them
and would still have some left over..
i want that..
how do you live with someone you cant really trust..
or too afraid to get hurt again..
for years of unfaithfulness.. how do you just trust
someone after that.. it shoulda ended a long time ago..
how stupid of me..
it just builded up insecurities among the ones
i already had.. till now its still eating me up..
i told myself i would never let myself think
that this baby was a mistake..
i love him already and i dont want him to
see my struggles.. ever..
all i can do at this point is whats best for my baby..
alone or not..
sometimes i wish i was doing this on my own..
im still hurting...
and its starting to get harder
to fake being happy every day..
||[22 Dec 2009|08:14pm]
theres too much shit going through my head right now..
like you... and our "old" issues
my fucking job..
the well being of my child..
wheather or not i can be a great mother..
wheather or not youre always going to be around..
wheather or not i have to do this on my own..
wheather or not im going to have a healthy baby..
theres just so much shit going on in my head..
i really dont wanna hear you complain about the petty shit
like how youre sleepy, how youre hungry, how you dont have money..
im fucking sleepy all the damn time now..
you dont have a parasite sucking up all your energy.. 24/7
taking up all your nutrients..
you dont have to talk to people with problems 5 days a fucking week..
while being sleepy, tired, having back pains, hungry and BROKE!..
Do you hear me fucking complain as much as you do?!?!? NOOOOOOOOOO!
SO be a man a SUCK IT THE FUCK UP!
having a baby around will only make us more sleepy
and tired.. and BROKE..
i dont wanna hear it anymore..
no one here is going to baby you..
||[30 Nov 2009|07:20pm]
ok.. new problem...
I NEED BACK UP MONEy!!!...
i cannot rely on anyone but myself.. =/
||[30 Nov 2009|07:01am]
im having a problem.. (wats new)
its still bugging me that he cant check his email
in front of me..
i dont think he checked his email once
when i was over there.. i dont think
he ever does..
still bugs me that he kinda
hides his phone when he gets a text.. before he
shows it to me..
its really bugging me.. and of course
i cant bring it up to him..
because.. itll be like.. "you dont trust me.."
blah blah blah..
maybe i do trust you.. i just dont trust them..
i cant control what people email you.. or text you..
but why hide it from me.. if you know nothings going on..
we are going to be living together in a couple of days..
its kinda hard to avoid those things when we are
together on a constant basis..
there is no privacy.. anymore..
my business is yours.. and yours is mine..
we are having a kid for crying out loud..
i dont wanna feel like i have to tippy toe around
you or your business.. thats what ive been doing
for the past couple of months.. and yeah it worked..
i just wanna feel comfortable.. i just wish..
youd change your phone number and email..
but i know you wouldnt do that.. not even for me..
why should you.. right? =(
||[03 Nov 2009|05:33pm]
i have a feeling hes cheating on me =(
||[24 Oct 2009|10:07am]
5 GRAND WILL BE MY PORTION..
THAT WILL COVER THE BEDROOM AND BATHROOM..
I JUST NEED A PLACE BY DEC..
OR IM GETTING MY OWN APARTMENT..
AND YOU CAN VISIT ME AND YOUR CHILD
ANYTIME YOU WANT..
PER MY MOTHER..
THERE GOES MY CHILDRENS SAVINGS..
AND MY WEDDING MONEY..
I WILL MAKE IT A POINT
TO HIDE MY MONEY..
IN DIFFERENT PLACES
WHERE NEITHER I NOR YOU CAN TOUCH IT..
JUST IN CASE MY CHILD DECIDES TO GET PREGNANT
AND HAVE TO MOVE OUT IN THE VERY DISTANT FUTURE..
THERE WILL BE MONEY THERE..
AS THERE IS MONEY FOR ME THANKS TO MY PARENTS..
OR.. IN CASE THERES SOME SORT OF TSUNAMI..
WE CAN MOVE TO ALASKA WITH THAT MONEY..
||[24 Oct 2009|09:41am]
i have a feeling im going to be
broke and struggling in the near future..
||[14 Oct 2009|09:08am]
I WANT TO SHOOT HIM IN THE GROIN..
||[11 Oct 2009|09:25am]
To see a bright light in your dream, indicates that you need to move toward a higher level of awareness and feeling. Bright light dreams are sometimes common for those who are near death.
To dream that you are attacked by zombies, indicates that you are feeling overwhelmed by forces beyond your control. You are under tremendous stress in your waking life.
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To see a ring in your dream, symbolizes emotional wholeness, continuity and commitments. If the ring is on your finger, then it signifies your commitment to a relationship or a successful new endeavor. It also indicates your loyalty to your ideals, responsibilities, or beliefs.
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To dream that you are being chased, signifies that you are avoiding a situation that you do not think is conquerable. It is often a metaphor for some form of insecurity. In particular, to dream that you are chased by an animal, represents your own unexpressed and unacknowledged anger which is being projected onto that animal. Alternatively, you may be running away from a primal urge or fear.